Be kind

May 9, 2021

(Note: we are looking for the photo of today’s sign; it has been mislaid. It says “Pledge to be kind to all mums this Mothers’ Day”)

What on earth should we put up on this day that supports people where they’re at? Do we ignore the day to avoid buying into the schmaltz, or acknowledge it and risk being tone-deaf to those in pain who cannot find a place away from the commercial and cultural shaping of this day? A call to be kind to all mums includes non-human ones but also ourselves as mothers. 

Mothers’ Day can be extremely fraught: this annual advertising-fest paints a pink-hued picture of loving super-model mums and their photogenic offspring revelling in mutual adoration amidst fluffy dressing gowns and scrummy breakfasts. The reality can be brutally different and difficult for any or all of the following people:

  • Someone who desperately wanted to have children, but cannot
  • Someone who had a child, and that child has died
  • Someone who has found motherhood to be quite unfulfilling, or so difficult that it does not seem worth it
  • Someone whose children have grown up and grown distant, and it hurts
  • Someone who feels like they have failed as a mother
  • Someone who has or had a difficult relationship with their own mother
  • Someone whose mother has died, and they miss them every day
  • Someone who had a child that wasn’t planned, and that’s had a significant impact on their adult relationships, economic insecurity, and/or more. 
  • Someone who doesn’t want a child, but is under great pressure from a partner or their parents to do so
  • Someone who does want a child, but has a partner who does not
  • Someone who does want a child, but does not have a partner at all
  • Someone who has mothered someone else’s child

So, go easy. Nobody needs your judgement, but anyone could need your support and love. Give people room to move and room to be themselves, whether that’s by sharing how they feel or by keeping quiet. Think first before saying things that put people into boxes and frame unfair expectations about how they should be or feel.

The church has historically been complicit in framing motherhood as the ultimate end for women: the highest calling, which, if unfulfilled, leads to a life of second-best and second-class citizenry. There’s a lot of work required to undo that damage, and set all people free from a narrow vision of motherhood and women.